Understood and Forgiven
by hexterah
Summary: Jacen makes a big mistake when it comes to Tenel Ka and their daughter, Allana. He tries to go back and apologize for it but it's much too late and the damage is done. One-poster/short story. Written: 06/02/2006


**Author's Note: **Once I knew Jacen was getting pretty dark in the novels and such, I, of course, suddenly was afraid for Tenel Ka and Allana. This was something spawned from my paranoia. And of course, what does it spawn? Something angsty and depressing. Yay! Written: 06/02/2006.

* * *

**Understood and Forgiven**

_He had chased her. They had ended up in here, the entrance locked behind them. She tried to talk it out of him. She tried to beg it out of him. She tried to fight it out of him. She tried to threaten it out of him._

_They had thrown down their lightsabers and gone at each other like animals. Animals that he never dared to collect when he was younger. Feral beasts, ripping at each others skin. It was unlike them. So very unlike them. They were trained to fight with those elegant weapons all their lives -- they had trained _together_. And this is what it had come down to. No duel, no proper introduction or trained moves. Just scratching and punching and frantic retaliating; a frenzy of muffles and splatters._

_Him, so set on his ways that nothing was stopping him from what he thought was right._

_And her, so focused on getting back the man she had fallen in love with -- the smiling face, the warm touch, the guarded mind. The father of their child._

A cold tendril of air seemed to wrap around him and slip upwards, sliding up his neck, through his mess of brown hair. It grabbed a sigh from his lips and carried it across the empty chamber. It echoed, bouncing from stone wall to wooden door, and then shifting over the heavily frosted glass of the windows.

Crimson spread below his feet, a pool of liquid that not only leaked across the cool floor, but covered his hands and spotted his clothes as well. Every time a drop of it hit the blade of his lit lightsaber, which was lying discarded on the ground beside him; it would sizzle and steam -- trails of smoke rising ahead of him.

There wasn't much that illuminated the room. A slice of viridian that was now lying still. Running almost perpendicular was a light of a similar shape, only this one was a brilliant shade of turquoise. Eyes adjusted, one could sense shards of moonlight seeping through the frosted glass as well. But that was all.

Jacen Solo let his eyes focus.

Fingers working furiously into and out of fists, nails digging into the flesh of his palms. Feeling a trickle down the corner of his mouth, he turned his head and spit out a mouthful of blood. He had forgotten how good her right hook was. His throat was closing up, choking around something caught between a sob and a scream. His eyes wouldn't water, he couldn't cry. Not now.

_He could still feel bits of her skin under his nails._

The only door to the chamber, the light on the panel blinked and he watched as a lone soul entered the room. A small girl. His daughter. _Their_ daughter. She moved forward slowly, her bare feet padding through blood that slid through the cracks in the stone floor.

Jacen felt himself struggle with the sudden urge to throw up.

The girl froze, her wide eyes finally adjusted to the light and landed on the body of her mother, which lay at Jacen Solo's feet.

No hesitation, she broke into a chain of whimpers and instantly Jacen fell to his knees across the room from her, his pants quickly soaked with crimson, his arms outstretched to the girl.

"Allana..."

_He could still see the blood streaming down her collarbone._

"Daddy?"

"C'mere." It was all he could manage to get out, his own blood from numerous cuts and scratches mingling with _hers_.

_Tenel Ka. What have I done?_

The little girl paused, her eyes still locked on the body of the Queen Mother. The fright in her eyes gave Jacen the strength to crawl around Tenel Ka, blocking their daughter's view of the body. "C'mon."

Her body moved once the Queen Mother's was out of sight and he watched at the blood splashed up around the little girl's feet, drops careening off into the darkness. Smashing herself into Jacen's arms, he wrapped her tiny form up, stretching a full palm back through her hair -- the blood on his hands sifting into the curly locks. "S'okay," he whispered breathlessly through a curtain of auburn. His fingers began to massage her scalp slightly, as he absently let the Force feed through them to comfort and calm her down. "We'll find out who did this to Mommy, I promise."

He almost gagged on his words, suddenly feeling physically ill at what had just taken place. He had to keep repeating to himself that it was all for the better. Tenel Ka would understand because it was to save the galaxy. Right?

She would understand...

She would understand and forgive.

Right?

_Right?_

Jacen fought off a sob and stood, pulling Allana off the ground. He held her in one arm, her own tiny arms around his neck, while he gathered up the lightsabers from the red sea below. And with one last physical connection, he knelt down and used his free hand to gently close Tenel Ka's eyes, planting a small kiss on her left temple.

Opening the door and stepping out into the empty corridor, he headed towards the hangar, Allana still in his arms. He tightened his grip on her as they traversed the darkness.

_He could still see the life fading from her eyes._

* * *

Her fingertips clasped against the long, piece of smooth wood as she poked the end through her hair and twisted it around quickly -- the end result proved to be a messy bun braced at the back of her head.

Even though a Jedi envoy was coming to meet her, she didn't need to look her best. It was all made up of her old friends. They were coming to speak to her about a meeting they were having, concerning the voxyn.

Turning her head to throw a quick glance to the mirror, to make sure her hair would stay out of her face, a gasp stopped in her throat as a man hovered over her chair. Her first instinct was to spin around and stand, grabbing the seat and using it as a shield -- but something stopped her. She knew the man. It was --

"Jacen?"

He looked older. His hair was longer, he was sporting a few wrinkles and his eyes were lifeless and dim. His form seemed a bit transparent. He stepped closer and loomed over her, kneeling beside the chair.

She never looked back at him, she just watched him in the mirror, frozen at the sight. His forehead pressed against her right temple, his skin feeling cool and ethereal. His breath slid across her neck, which felt like the exact opposite -- heavy and fevered. Moments later, her eyes drifted shut.

She saw the mission to Myrkr, she saw the final battle with the Yuuzhan Vong, she saw the Killiks, she saw _everything_ -- image upon image layered over so fast she could only catch glimpses. The onslaught of impending memories only slowed down on three instances. The two of them in bed together, her introducing him to their child. And Jacen and Tenel Ka locked in a heated debate, and finally a battle -- ending in her death.

She felt his cold hands cupping her cheeks and her eyes opened to his. Then she heard a whisper.

"You understand, right? Forgive me, Tenel Ka. I love you."

With that he was gone.

"Never!" She screamed after he vanished.

Tenel Ka sat alone, in front of the mirror, staring at her reflection, which suddenly appeared tired and worn out with a grimace plastered across it. Her mind raced around everything she had seen and was disturbed when the door to her quarters was thrown open.

"Surprise!" Jacen Solo exclaimed heartily, inviting himself into the chamber. "We got here early. I snuck up here and thought I'd shock you." He waved his hands and wiggled his fingers with the last part of the statement and adding a chuckle, he turned to her, awaiting a response. The smile he had entered the quarters with was fading from his face.

Tenel Ka's eyes finally lifted to his reflection -- his solid reflection, which stood flanking her on the right. He was as she knew him. Tall, still working the lankiness out of his body, wide brown eyes, scruffy head of chestnut hair. "Jacen."

"That's me," he replied with a less enthusiastic tone then he intended. He could tell something was wrong, and she knew he could. He waited a few heartbeats. "What's the matter?"

Shaking her head, Tenel Ka stood and turned to him. "It is nothing."

"I know when you're lying."

"You do not." She led him out of the quarters, him nipping on her heels about her problem the whole way.

* * *

_"Never!"_

He opened his eyes. The coordinates were still correct and they were still in hyperspace. He hadn't been meditating for too long.

He assumed Allana was still asleep in the bunk.

And looking back at what had just happened, the tears and the sobs he had to fight back and struggle against before just came naturally now. He went back and saw her all those years ago and warned her what was coming. He saw the fear in her eyes, something he had never seen from her. He breathed in the scent of her skin, something he would never forget. He felt her emotions -- something he would never understand. Something he would never forgive himself for giving up. He had just _killed_ the only person who tried to understand him and help him. The only person who would forgive him for a stupid mistake here and there. He killed the only person who still _loved him_.

Jacen Solo buried his head in his hands and cried. He was wrong. He placed a burden on her in the past and killed her in the present. There would be no future.

_He was wrong._


End file.
